Grrrrrrrrrr........

I realized something tonight, along the lines of: people will take advantage of you if you let them. I suppose this is something I have known, but in retrospect of the evening, it was certainly reinforced. I get caught up and don't realize in the moment that this is happening, especially when it is a friend. I give people the benefit of the doubt (too often and too readily at times, it seems) and frequently don't recognize in the moment that this is what what's happening. In fact, this is a problem of mine I really need to work on... I don't always think of things, or interpret them well, until after I am out of the situation and back at home with myself, contemplating the day. I suppose that I doubt people themselves know they are being an ass as they are being one... this is why I let things go; because in the moment I figure they mean no harm. This is likely true, however here I am at the end of the day with only my contemplation, and suddenly I find myself pissed.

1) I hate cigarettes. They are awful in so many ways. Of course, they are terribly unhealthy, however even more infuriating to me is how YOUR smoking habit affects me. Let's even set aside any argument of negative health effects of second-hand-smoke (although I'm sure this is valid, however not even my point tonight). I hate the way I smell at the end of a night when I hang out with smokers. Not only that, I hate the way that magically because you are a smoker, you suddenly consider it acceptable to disregard the cares of the people around you. I literally had someone ask me tonight if I thought my friends would care if they smoked (inside, mind you), and when I replied that I cared, I was told that I don't count. Now, I know this was meant as half a joke, at least. However it wasn't, because I had to insist several times that I did care before my opinion "mattered"to the point for me to be taken seriously.

Sooo..... what I got from this was the implied meaning of: you are my friend, you will like me no matter if I smoke or not.... True. I like my friends, smokers and all. HOWEVER. F. U. Why don't I count? Furthermore, don't ask me if I care if you smoke when you already know I do. I hate smelling like smoke. I hate that I have to go home and wash my jeans and my jacket 'cause they now reek, or that I have to wash my hair (again) because it too smells like a dang ashtray. Because of you. Don't tell me other people's opinions matter more than mine. I should count. I'm the friend here. (right?)

Smokers act like the idea of banning indoor smoking is taking away THEIR rights, but what about MINE? I should have the right to not reek at the end of the night because of what you wanted to do. Yes, I know there are tons of ways to argue this last "rights" part, but I've heard it and argued it and I really don't care. That's not even my point.

My point. I realize that the reason a friend feels comfortable disregarding my cares, or not making the effort to blow their smoke AWAY from me or *god-forbid!*going outside when I would prefer not to be surrounded, is because I accept it. I didn't think to get pissed off until AFTER the-fact. I didn't think to just... get up and leave. If it bothers me so badly, I should just leave. Or call them out "don't blow your freaking smoke in my FACE"! That, and they likely have no idea they're bothering me. How should they know they are pissing me off when I don't say anything? I don't say anything because I'm enjoying myself (minus this), but at the end of day I really, honestly hate it.

Unfortunately, I am quite a social being. I like my friends, they give me joy, as well as occasional frustration. But I really hate how inconsiderate smokers can be at times. And how they don't consider it being inconsiderate. It is the norm. I also hate that. I hate that once one person pulls out a cigarette, several more people are soon to follow. I have seen my friends quit together and start back together, and there is power in numbers. If one person decides it is OK to light up inside around people that don't smoke, all the smokers soon follow suite.

I bite my tongue too much. I keep my mouth shut. Why? Because I like my friends and hey, they should be able to do what they want to to themselves. And hey, you're allowed to smoke in here. Oh, wait ..... YOUR smoke makes ME reek. Oh and turns out me breathing in your smoke is pretty bad for ME too.

I guess I only had one point to make. I hate cigarettes. And lately I'm having a hard time justifying any reason to simply put up with it. Your cares trump mine? The fact that I care doesn't matter? .... Then why ask if I care? I do. If you didn't ask, I would be less likely to be mad about this right now. It's the asking and then not really caring what my answer is... that's why I am ranting right now.

I'm going to stop holding my tongue. I'm also going to work on realizing things in the moment. I might even need to work on NOT giving people so much benefit of the doubt. I think I am too nice... I think several things in my recent life have been showing me that. So, sadly I suppose I need to also work on not caring. As in, not caring about other people so much. I don't want to care any more than people care about me.

(Disclaimer: obviously this is not how I ALWAYS feel every time someone smokes around me and obviously I don't consider all of my smoker friends rude and inconsiderate. This is just my end-of-the-night rant on a specific situation. However, I do always hate cigarettes and honestly I do always care if you smoke).